Johns Story Part Four

Warning: This post may contain graphic material.

"I can't have a spinal. Put me under," I cried out with all my strength. "Honey,there is no way you can have a spinal right now. You are too sick," Lisa, the Medi-Vac nurse said. I kept throwing up. Brandi and Nicol wiped the vomit from my face, the sweat from my brow, and the blood from my arms. They kept shoving needles in me and there was a sense of panic t.hru the room. I was not stable. They needed me to stop throwing up and keep my body still enough to fly.

"Am I in the way?"Brandi said. "No," the nurse replied, "there is no one else to do what you are doing." And so she kept on. She told me later that blood would splatter on the wall as they tried to get the IV's in. Finally, I was stable and on the helicopter. The transfer from the room to the helicopter is a blur. Brandi said that as she watched me fly away the nurse was standing next to her nd she was crying too. She said, "You pray for your friend. You pray she survives this."

I was in and out of consciousness on the flight. A man on it said, "Should I be worried that she is in and out?" Lisa said, "She has been like this for awhile now." I came to for a moment and said, "I wish I was well enough to enjoy this."And then passed out again. I remember the view clearly. Wide open, green summer Montana.

During this time my Mom caught a flight from Seattle and upon arriving to Great Falls, read her text to get off the plane and get to the hospital. She actually got there before I did.
I remember seeing the hospital but I don't remember anything else until Dr. Key was prepping me for surgery. I wanted my baby but I didn't have much hope. "Wait," I said, "Before we go can we pray? I know you are a Christian." But I was talking to the anesthesiologist. I was confused. He said, " Well, actually I am Jewish." I was embarressed but too tired to care. Darrel prayed aloud and the team responded. Then I was in the room. The mask was over my face and fear took over. I started to writhe and then Lisa was there. "Just tell me what you are doing. Please!" I begged. And then the anaesthesiologist told me it was the oxygen mask and put it over me.

High Places

I am reading a new book. Hinds Feet on High Places. Have you read it? I am halfway through, but I have to say, it is hitting a nerve in me. When going on a journey with the Lord, whom would you think He would ask you to bring? I would have thought joy and peace. I asked my husband. He said, "Hope and peace." But in this book, she recounts her main character bringing, Sorrow and Suffering. It hurt to read that as I feel as though that is what the Lord has asked of me recently. The main character, Much Afraid; (Did I forget to mention this was an allegory? *wink*) she meets a flower along the way, Acceptance-with-Joy. I keep seeing this flower but I have yet, truthfully, to let it bloom in my heart. I pretend to accept, but the truth is I WANT MY BABY! Oh, LORD, I cry out to you today, help me to accept your will. Help me to trust, help me to not be afraid and help me to accept with joy the journey to High Places you have sent me on. Even though the way looks like a wrong turn, I will follow You.

I think I have to give up coffee . . .

And I don't like it very much. I don't like any of this very much. But it is God's will for me. I still have pain. The pain in my chest is mild. It wraps around my arm and shoulder. My liver has a cyst on it. Benign. But, at night the pain gets worse. Nothing like HELLPs but I feel it. And I remember. I had my blood tested. Liver Enzymes were good but Bilirubin was up. This means gallbladder and liver are not quite up to snuff. So I am cleansing. Liver Tincture, radically different diet, (not that I was a SAD diet before) and drum roll please . . .
NO COFFEE!
I really like coffee. I mean a lot. And its not the caffeine, its the experience. The cream, the stevia, the dark roast thick. Yummy.
But I like life more.
Why didn't it dawn on me what long lasting effects this illness would have on me? I wasn't prepared. I wasn't prepared for pain, anxiety, and grief. So I cleanse.
My body goes through detox, and my soul is left exposed.

I am seeing through a lens. A window. Which lens will I use today? Where will my soul grasp for comfort? And the cold seeps into the cracks, frostbitten.
  
But . . .



I look to the heavens.

Where does my help come from?


My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.

And He made me, and God don't make no junk.
Even though I feel like a piece of some right now.

John's Story Part Three

Please note this post may contain graphic information.

Checking in my OB was there so quickly. It surprised me. He said, "This could be Toxemia but I think it is just gallbladder. Lets hope I am right." They had a hard time getting the IV in my veins. It took so long and they were trying to give me morphine. I've never wanted drugs so badly. And I shy away from conventional medicine. I even prefer to get cavities filled without Novocaine. It took forever and then it hardly helped. Before they started the IV I told Darrel he needed to take the children out to our friends. (They were not answering their phone as it was so early in the morning.) "The children need to be there and Terri will understand." I said. "Someone is up." I had a bad feeling if they stayed they would see me in a scary state. He left and I prayed he would hurry back. When the nurse tried getting the IV in, my veins kept blowing out. She was trying to hurry as my pain was so high but it wasn't working. My arms and hands were so cold. My blood pressure kept soaring. She put warmers on and said sorry for poking me so many times. I didn't care. I just wanted the pain in my chest to stop. She kept trying to help my breathe properly. It was so hard. I just kept crying and I wanted to do anything to make the pain stop. I felt wild. I was moaning, almost screaming. Once they got the IV in it took a small edge of the pain. enough to stop the writhing but not enough to really help. I was so scared. Not for me, but for my sweet baby boy. It never dawned on me we would deliver early.
Darrel got back and tried to comfort me. He kept saying "You are getting this gallbladder out." Shortly after my OB came back. "You have preeclampsia. You need to go to Great Falls. We are going to have to deliver." Thoughts of  NO kept screaming in my head. "We can't deliver today. We have to give him a shot so his lungs can develop." I said.
"He's an IUGR baby. He has been fighting to save his life. He's got a good head start and there is not enough time." I knew it wasn't good but I was so weak.
"So how do we get there?" I asked. "Will Darrel drive me?" I thought I might need to go in the ambulance. "Uh, no. You'll go in a helicopter."
That's when I realized how bad it was. "Call Brandi," I said, "Get people praying for us." He called and readied himself to go. As he was about to leave, Brandi walked in the door. He filled her in and left. Almost as soon as he walked out the door I got worse. I started to vomit and my screams and moans turned silent. I could hardly talk. I could hardly move and for the first time I didn't care. There were lots of people around me. And then Nicol, a woman I had never met came in. She introduced herself to me and honestly, I wanted her to leave but I couldn't say anything.She had an IUGR baby and we had spoken over the phone once before. She showed great kindness but there was a part of me that was very embarrassed at my lack of control. The doctors and nurses and flight medics kept talking and they were talking about my surgery.

To Be Continued in Part 4

In the Still of the Night

It is here in the quiet that I sense the loss. It is when my head hits the pillow that the events replay in my mind. Over and over, I see him. Over and over I remember the pain.

I can't let him go.

And I want to.

To truly release him into Gods loving hands. But I long for him.





And my youngest, my baby, she is getting older. Almost 2. Not really a baby anymore. Will I ever have another? Will this broken down body house life again? I want to, but I hear the whispers of emptiness, and I realize the barren womb is never satisfied. I try to make peace with a new normal. I try to understand what my new normal even is. I pray and I seek and I hope.
I am missing you tonight John.
But the Lord promises that joy comes in the morning and so I wait.

Ps 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life:
weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

John's Story Part 2

Please note this post is graphic.

We had to wait 2 weeks for another ultrasound. We went back and forth from worry to it's all going to be OK. By the time we were going for an ultrasound I was convinced our babe was going to have caught up and I would still be able to home birth. My husband was much smarter and sober minded than me. Even when the ultrasound was being done I thought all was going to be OK. When the tech left, Darrel told me it wasn't. Seeing the OB he concurred. My feet were to be up most of the time. Pretty hard to do with 4 young children. I still thought it would be OK though and I would have my baby boy.

We had the tech write down if it was a boy or a girl on a paper and seal it. On the drive home I opened it up. We didn't want to know the sex of the baby unless we thought there might be complications. I wanted to know my baby for as long as possible. Opening the envelope  we saw it was a boy. We were overjoyed and terrified at the same time. We named him John Jacob William which we later changed to John Jacob Ephraim. John chosen for Darrel's love of John's Epistles and for James wanting a brother so badly and James and John were brothers in the Bible. Jacob being chosen for Jacob have I loved and Esau have I hated. It was a word that God spoke to me when I asked Him why He took one of my babies home. My Dad's nickname is also Jake so it fit well with our love of family names. Ephraim because shortly before my illness really got going we read that Ephraim means, "God has blessed me in the land of my affliction."

It wasn't long after that I started to feel sicker. The pains at night were starting again. Two nights I had them and thought, "Oh no, I am going to have to have my gallbladder removed." But that wasn't the case. The third night I woke up around midnight. I felt so sick. When Darrel got up to go to work at 3 am he said, "Do you want to go to the ER?" "No, I'll be fine. It will pass." He left and I ended up talking to my Mom who encouraged me to call the doctor. I called my OB who said take another Hydrocodone and if it isn't better go to the ER." I took one and fell asleep at 4:30 am. I slept for 1 hour. The pain woke me up and it had intensified. I called Darrel. "I need to go to the ER." "OK, I'll be right home." He rushed home and woke the children. All I could do was sit with my eyes closed and try to stay calm to manage the pain. Norma jumped right into action and got Hazel ready and a sippy for Mary even without anyone asking. Everyone hurried and everyone was worried about Mom. My eyes were closed in the vehicle and I worked hard to stay strong and be calm for my babes. Questions kept pouring in. I didn't have answers. When we got there I started to cry. I was so scared and it hurt and I knew my blood pressure was soaring. When they pulled me in to get checked it was 183 over 73. They took me straight to to the OB ward.

To be continued in John's Story Part 3 . . .