Morning sickness has become a bit of a full time job.
Well that and raising 4 children.
And taking care of a husband.
And homeschooling.
And pregnancy naps.
And well, it's been a bit consuming,
but I will be back . . .
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Seasoned With Salt Saturdays
He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.
Psalm 113:9
Psalm 113:9
Friday, March 14, 2014
So We Start Again - The Chronicles of Our Next Child
It is my hope and prayer that writing about the journey that my family and myself are on being pregnant again after HELLPs will help others dealing with pregnancy after a traumatic birth. I will write the good and the bad. I want to be honest on the hopes, the fears and the joy we experience. This is the first installment of our Beginning Again story.
WARNING! This post contains graphic themes. Viewer discretion advised.
I felt frustrated, wild inside, down right crazy for a few days. I couldn't figure out why. I went to coffee with my friend and my Mom and we talked of my friends new baby coming. So much excitement and wonder filled the air. She posed the thought to me that I would be next. I smiled politely but replied, "I truly believe God has closed that door. I have accepted it and I am at peace. Besides, who is going to help you with your seventh?" We ended the night happy and relaxed. I got my Mom on a plane home the next day.
Our family was tired from a happy trip with Mormor, so we had a family movie night. During the movie my thoughts kept returning to my conversation the night before and the anxiety I had no reason to feel. And then it dawned on me. I only feel crazy like that at the beginning of pregnancy. I slipped upstairs to take a test. (Yes, I do keep them on hand!)
To my surprise a faint line glistened. My heart skipped a beat. I thought I was seeing things. Then I thought it was wrong. I kept the info to myself.
The next morning I took another. There it was. A line. Well, two actually. <wink> Shock, excitement, panic. It all coursed through my body. My husband was at work. I called my friend. All I said was two lines and she started to squeal!
I spent the rest of the day in a daze. Truly dumbfounded. When my husband got home, I pulled him into our bedroom and showed him the two tests. He looked at them, then at me and said, "What does this mean?" I replied, "I'm pregnant." A look of dismay came over him. He was happy but cautious. I have lost as many babies as I have had. So many times I start to bleed right after we find out. And the next day I started to spot. Ever so small. It continued off and on for a few days. I called the doctor, (well doctors) and let them know I was expecting. (My home birthing days are over.) When talking to a receptionist I mentioned the bleeding. I didn't think much of it because I believe God will do what He wants with the lives that He creates. A nurse called me back and started asking questions. Then the doc required an ultrasound and blood work which showed a much smaller baby than it should have been. All that was there was a sack and a uterine bleed. So I started to wait. The spotting stopped for a couple of days, then it started again Monday night. This time it was pink.
The next morning we were leaving as a family for WY. Yes, WY! My husband had an interview with the railroad. To say I as nervous was an understatement. It would have meant a move. It would have meant a traveling husband. It would have meant a MAJOR change in lifestyle. But it was an opportunity I understood my husband needed to check out.
On the way there, their was weather. MT style. So much so cars were spun out everywhere. And we stopped. For an hour. Nausea took over. Hazel coughed and wheezed with a cold. Mary whined in her seat. And then I felt a trickle. I closed my eyes and waited. When we got going the first thing we did was stop at a gas station. In the bathroom my suspicions were confirmed and I was bleeding again. We got the children in the van and I stopped Darrel before he got in. I told him the news and started to crumble. Then I said, "I cannot have a miscarriage in a hotel!" I pulled it in quickly though and said, "It's going to be fine. I can do this. Let's go."
So in the car we went and headed out. I wasn't paying attention to the direction. I just felt crummy and sorry for myself. Then Hazel asked, "When are we going in the pool?"
"We aren't," Darrel replied.
"What?" I asked.
"Didn't you realize we are on our way home?"
"No! What about your interview?"
"I can drop you off and still make it, although I haven't decided if I will or not."
Relief to be home poured through me, as well as guilt for the trouble I was causing.
At home, I checked the messages. The doctor had called. The blood tests showed a problem but they didn't specify what. I thought it was impending miscarriage. I had to go get an ultrasound that afternoon. Darrel looked at me wide eyed. Should he stay or go. I told him to go. What could he do? It would be a waiting game and he was so excited about this opportunity. So after I pushed him to go I heard again from the doctor. He didn't think it was a miscarriage, he thought it was ectopic. Surgery in a day or so with confirming ultrasound. Did I mention my husband didn't have a cell phone?
I went to the ultrasound. I felt broken, confused, alone and depressed. And very very very queasy.
The tech started. She was sweet as can be and comforting. I knew that if there was no yolk sac and fetal pulse there would be no baby. But right away she said, "See that flicker? That is your babies heart beat." Not 5 days before, the baby measured maybe four weeks. Now it was measuring 6 weeks 2 days, heart beat, sac, strong, and right on with my dates. I was stunned. And my bleed was almost gone. (That was why I was bleeding.) They said the baby was very aggressive trying to implant. (Maybe a boy?!) I started to cry. The doctor was called, (well his nurse anyway) and she said "All is well. We will see you at your apt." I put my head in my hands and wept.
I still couldn't tell my husband.
I knew I would hear from him that night around nine. My nerves were taking over though and the roads worried me, so at 6 I took a shower trying to wipe the stress of the day away. When I was out and getting dressed I heard my children screaming "Daddy's home!" I ran downstairs and there he was.
"I couldn't do it," he said. "I looked at the time at 3:45 and thought she is at the ultrasound, handling this on her own. Alone. I can't handle this. There is no way I am going to cut it as a railroad man and my wife needs a hero, so I came home."
And he is my hero. <blush>
Then we told him our news. A look of shock, then a smile and here we are. 6 1/2 weeks pregnant with no more bleeding. A lot of tummy trouble and a trembling spirit. Will we meet this child? What will this pregnancy entail? Will I stay healthy?
And a lot of hope.
There is a heart beat.
WARNING! This post contains graphic themes. Viewer discretion advised.
I felt frustrated, wild inside, down right crazy for a few days. I couldn't figure out why. I went to coffee with my friend and my Mom and we talked of my friends new baby coming. So much excitement and wonder filled the air. She posed the thought to me that I would be next. I smiled politely but replied, "I truly believe God has closed that door. I have accepted it and I am at peace. Besides, who is going to help you with your seventh?" We ended the night happy and relaxed. I got my Mom on a plane home the next day.
Our family was tired from a happy trip with Mormor, so we had a family movie night. During the movie my thoughts kept returning to my conversation the night before and the anxiety I had no reason to feel. And then it dawned on me. I only feel crazy like that at the beginning of pregnancy. I slipped upstairs to take a test. (Yes, I do keep them on hand!)
To my surprise a faint line glistened. My heart skipped a beat. I thought I was seeing things. Then I thought it was wrong. I kept the info to myself.
The next morning I took another. There it was. A line. Well, two actually. <wink> Shock, excitement, panic. It all coursed through my body. My husband was at work. I called my friend. All I said was two lines and she started to squeal!
I spent the rest of the day in a daze. Truly dumbfounded. When my husband got home, I pulled him into our bedroom and showed him the two tests. He looked at them, then at me and said, "What does this mean?" I replied, "I'm pregnant." A look of dismay came over him. He was happy but cautious. I have lost as many babies as I have had. So many times I start to bleed right after we find out. And the next day I started to spot. Ever so small. It continued off and on for a few days. I called the doctor, (well doctors) and let them know I was expecting. (My home birthing days are over.) When talking to a receptionist I mentioned the bleeding. I didn't think much of it because I believe God will do what He wants with the lives that He creates. A nurse called me back and started asking questions. Then the doc required an ultrasound and blood work which showed a much smaller baby than it should have been. All that was there was a sack and a uterine bleed. So I started to wait. The spotting stopped for a couple of days, then it started again Monday night. This time it was pink.
The next morning we were leaving as a family for WY. Yes, WY! My husband had an interview with the railroad. To say I as nervous was an understatement. It would have meant a move. It would have meant a traveling husband. It would have meant a MAJOR change in lifestyle. But it was an opportunity I understood my husband needed to check out.
On the way there, their was weather. MT style. So much so cars were spun out everywhere. And we stopped. For an hour. Nausea took over. Hazel coughed and wheezed with a cold. Mary whined in her seat. And then I felt a trickle. I closed my eyes and waited. When we got going the first thing we did was stop at a gas station. In the bathroom my suspicions were confirmed and I was bleeding again. We got the children in the van and I stopped Darrel before he got in. I told him the news and started to crumble. Then I said, "I cannot have a miscarriage in a hotel!" I pulled it in quickly though and said, "It's going to be fine. I can do this. Let's go."
So in the car we went and headed out. I wasn't paying attention to the direction. I just felt crummy and sorry for myself. Then Hazel asked, "When are we going in the pool?"
"We aren't," Darrel replied.
"What?" I asked.
"Didn't you realize we are on our way home?"
"No! What about your interview?"
"I can drop you off and still make it, although I haven't decided if I will or not."
Relief to be home poured through me, as well as guilt for the trouble I was causing.
At home, I checked the messages. The doctor had called. The blood tests showed a problem but they didn't specify what. I thought it was impending miscarriage. I had to go get an ultrasound that afternoon. Darrel looked at me wide eyed. Should he stay or go. I told him to go. What could he do? It would be a waiting game and he was so excited about this opportunity. So after I pushed him to go I heard again from the doctor. He didn't think it was a miscarriage, he thought it was ectopic. Surgery in a day or so with confirming ultrasound. Did I mention my husband didn't have a cell phone?
I went to the ultrasound. I felt broken, confused, alone and depressed. And very very very queasy.
The tech started. She was sweet as can be and comforting. I knew that if there was no yolk sac and fetal pulse there would be no baby. But right away she said, "See that flicker? That is your babies heart beat." Not 5 days before, the baby measured maybe four weeks. Now it was measuring 6 weeks 2 days, heart beat, sac, strong, and right on with my dates. I was stunned. And my bleed was almost gone. (That was why I was bleeding.) They said the baby was very aggressive trying to implant. (Maybe a boy?!) I started to cry. The doctor was called, (well his nurse anyway) and she said "All is well. We will see you at your apt." I put my head in my hands and wept.
I still couldn't tell my husband.
I knew I would hear from him that night around nine. My nerves were taking over though and the roads worried me, so at 6 I took a shower trying to wipe the stress of the day away. When I was out and getting dressed I heard my children screaming "Daddy's home!" I ran downstairs and there he was.
"I couldn't do it," he said. "I looked at the time at 3:45 and thought she is at the ultrasound, handling this on her own. Alone. I can't handle this. There is no way I am going to cut it as a railroad man and my wife needs a hero, so I came home."
And he is my hero. <blush>
Then we told him our news. A look of shock, then a smile and here we are. 6 1/2 weeks pregnant with no more bleeding. A lot of tummy trouble and a trembling spirit. Will we meet this child? What will this pregnancy entail? Will I stay healthy?
And a lot of hope.
There is a heart beat.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Shhhhhh, I Have A Secret To Tell
When all signs pointed no,
When I thought fall had fell,
When I had hoped, hardened and handed over,
When I dared not ask,
Life.
In the dark places, in the still and quiet,
A tiny heart beats.
No bigger than a peanut.
And my journey begins,
with a new life.
With a new gift.
Hallelujah.
Praise the Lord.
When I thought fall had fell,
When I had hoped, hardened and handed over,
When I dared not ask,
Life.
In the dark places, in the still and quiet,
A tiny heart beats.
No bigger than a peanut.
And my journey begins,
with a new life.
With a new gift.
Hallelujah.
Praise the Lord.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Blog Info
Well, we have some family fun coming up and I won't be posting until this weekend. Just wanted you all to know! Many blessings and enjoy your family!
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Seasoned With Salt Saturdays
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:17
James 1:17
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Thankful Thursdays
For surprise gifts from thoughtful Aunties "who" know us so well!
Our family out for an oil change, where the men are acting like boys laughing and eating cup 'o' noodles, and as soon as they see me, walking toward them they rush, grease covered smiles, to open the door for me and my sweet children. Men, who can play like boys, but still know how to act like chivalrous men. Indeed it made my heart smile.
Friends supping with us and not being the least concerned about the quality of my dinner. (Not my best effort you know.)
The hope of spring, snow melting rain, and memories of a girl with a horse,
whom as soon as the sun starts to shine on, will reunite with her dear partner.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Moments
I know the Father loves me,
but in some moments I feel Him hold me,
tiny breath of mine exploding,
as He talks to me in grace-toned mercy.
He loves me still,
the ragged sinner,
the one who left the 99 in search of . . .
but what? There was nothing there,
just baited memories of Love.
And He came after me, just like His Word says He would,
and I am grateful that I heard His voice and turned my heels back to Mercy.
To the voice I heard calling in my childhood, but didn't know who He was.
And in certain moments, moments where I see His favor, I remember, and I fall in love all over again.
but in some moments I feel Him hold me,
tiny breath of mine exploding,
as He talks to me in grace-toned mercy.
He loves me still,
the ragged sinner,
the one who left the 99 in search of . . .
but what? There was nothing there,
just baited memories of Love.
And He came after me, just like His Word says He would,
and I am grateful that I heard His voice and turned my heels back to Mercy.
To the voice I heard calling in my childhood, but didn't know who He was.
And in certain moments, moments where I see His favor, I remember, and I fall in love all over again.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Seasoned With Salt Saturdays
Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
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