Why I Will Never Be Happy at the Weight I Am At

When will it be enough? The numbers dropping on the scale?
When will the perfect number appear?
When will I feel it is safe for me to be valued?
For me to be worthy of being attractive,
lovely, worthy of my husband.
When will the number on the scale be good enough.
I am 10 pounds lighter than when I was married.
Don't look like it.
but I am.
I should be rejoicing! I have born 5 children, had 3 miscarriages.
I should be thrilled.
But . . .
I still see the number to high, the roll too large, the face two swollen.
I still see junk.
Why do I do this?
Why do WE as women do this?
What heartbreak do we cause ourselves, our family, our God?
To think so lowly of ourselves, to think that if it ain't perfect it ain't worth anything.
And what is perfect anyways!!!!!
Would someone please tell me?
Which number will finally make me happy.
Or you happy?
Or the department store happy?
I should be thankful! Thankful for a body that still actually works!
Thankful for a pantry full of food.
Thankful for a store of conscientiously grown wheat.
Thankful for vitamins in the cupboard.
Thankful for clean water.
But truth be told, I struggle.
I struggle with I shouldn't eat this because the latest fad of eating tells me I shouldn't.
Struggle with the vitamins I have are good but if I just tried this one it might be the perfect fix.
I like water, but coffee, tea, and fresh squeezed juice
is soooo much better.
This is the ugly truth.
I am never satisfied.
My flesh is always striving.
And I do not think it pleases my God one stinking bit.
Am I alone?
I don't think I am.
I read the same blogs as you homeschooling mama's.
I see the same billboards, shop the same stores.
See the trashy magazines at the supermarket.
So how do we fight this?
When will get off the crazy-go-round?

How do we conquer the ungrateful, unsatisfied, unrealized fantasy?
I believe the only way is to live in reality.
To immerse ourselves in TRUTH.
And to really believe it when people compliment us.
Really believe when our husbands look into our eyes and say, "You are wonderful."
Really believe when he says, "I love you just the way you are."
Because it is a picture of His love for us.
Love for the imperfect and the blemished.
And ladies no matter what size we are, or what size that girl is,
we are all imperfect.
So today I pray, I plead, that God would help me take my thoughts captive.
And that I would live in Truth.

The Ugly Discussion of Fat

Sooooo . . .
I know I have two separate voices on this blog. The poetic and spiritual voice that has knitted me together and torn me apart, the one that longs to be in tune with the One and the one that is mindful of the big picture, the beautiful, the eternal.

But there is the other voice, the one that likes good hair days, walks outside with my husband, that laughs a lot, that gets too loud when I run into old friends or old clients, the one that is playful and perky and down right annoying at times.

And I am both of these.

So today, I apologize, but I will be writing in the latter of the two voices.

I would like to discuss fat. The kind that hangs onto my hips, protrudes my belly and makes me ashamed to have sleeveless dresses in the hot 90 degree days.

I would like to lose mine. However, <sigh> it ain't easy sisters.

My mind vacillates on low carb vs. vegan. Always back and forth, see-saw, until I give up and head for DQ to get me some Blizzard. I have restricted calories and I just get cranky. 1200 calories daily is not for me.

Oh, and it isn't just fat I am concerned about. It's the whole health thing too. As you know, you who have been reading, I haven't felt too great this year. I was vegan once. Lost 15 pounds in a month. Felt like a rock star. Had the energy of 10 cups of coffee. Awesome.

Tried it a few months ago. Not as quick of results. Ahem, not many results.

Started doing low carb. Got results, got bored. Also got backed up. (Hey, I warned you what voice I was speaking in.) But the tummy did get flatter, well for me at least. And the sugar lows I had had went away. But then I ate a few <gasp> carbs. Not many, just a titch over 3 days and wouldn't you know it 5 of those goofy pounds I had lost came rushing back to my hips.

So, I am confused, perplexed and perturbed.

Luckily, hubby says he like me just the way I am.

I just need to as well.

Any ideas?