Baby and Pregnancy Update

I am 28 weeks now.
With John, 28 weeks was the goal of my doctors. 28 weeks meant he might survive.
28 weeks is a big number to me.
She is 28 weeks gestation now,
and 2.7 pounds!
I love the ultrasounds, seeing her get bigger, hearing her heart beat, knowing she is growing.
I finally bought some baby things. 
Gave in to hope, that she just might come home with me. 
We bought a baby swing and some clothes. I had gotten rid of everything and am starting over. It is strange, because this is not my first rodeo . . .
and yet, it feels like it is.
It feels like a new beginning that has happened before.
And there is joy in the unknown familiar.
It still isn't easy.
I still throw up, 3-4 times a week.
I still feel like first trimester fog has yet to wear off. (Is there really such a thing as second trimester bliss?!)
But she is growing. My blood pressure is good.
And God is good.
All the time.

Today - In The Journey

23 weeks. 3 days pregnant.

That is where I am today.

1 more day in my last pregnancy and I was being airlifted to deliver my tiny treasure, a starving 9.3 oz boy, with the will of a fighter and a soul destined to dance with Jesus.

In this time,2 years ago, I was fighting enormous amounts of pain, fear, and unknowns.

John's birthday is July 16th. Not so very far away. I feel like I am reliving his journey . . .

except for that the journey of this little girl is nothing like his. I feel her kick and crash, tumbling around in my belly, and I smile. But, I think of him, and his little kicks and his little crashes, and I think of how very small he really was. And I feel so very sad that I couldn't help him. 

It is a hard month here. Many moments of missing our little man. Many moments of rejoicing that our little girl is growing safely in my womb. Many moments of wondering how long my body will keep working to grow her. Many moments of asking God why? How? Should we? Shouldn't we? Will we? What if?

I long for heavenly days, millennial days, when I will know the face of my boy restored.

I look forward to meeting this new treasure. This soul growing safely, in the dark recesses of my belly.

I am grateful for my journey, albeit a hard one.

For it causes me to seek the face of God.

And Jesus becomes ever more so real in my heart, and in my world, and in the world of those around me as I keep journeying down the road of unknowns.

PSALM 61 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.

2 From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

3 For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.

4 I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah.

5 For thou, O God, hast heard my vows: thou hast given me the heritage of those that fear thy name.

6 Thou wilt prolong the king's life: and his years as many generations.

7 He shall abide before God for ever: O prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him.

8 So will I sing praise unto thy name for ever, that I may daily perform my vows.

When It is Dark . . .

There came a point earlier on in this pregnancy when I could not get out of bed. When the tides turned under my feet and I could feel an ocean sway inside of me at every moment.
I would lay in bed hearing my children in the other room asking Daddy if Mommy was going to be ok, hear them get angry, happy, sad, and I could do nothing to be with them.
I would lay in bed praying for distraction from the constant flow of stomach woe, for the upheavals to dissipate, for any form of relief.
Yet, it wouldn't come.
And then in the bathroom I would see red and think, "I am losing this baby."
I would cry aloud for mercy as the nights wouldn't let me sleep, the cramping wouldn't cease and the fear wouldn't take flight.
My husband prayed over me, "Lord, if she is to lose this baby, show her mercy and do it quick."
And then as the weeks went on, "Lord, show my wife mercy, please."
My faith went weak following my body's ques. And I talked openly to God about this. He knows it anyways.
And then I heard this song.

 

And it became my prayer.
I can know truth. I don't have to feel it.
I can pray for strength, I can pray for faith, I can pray to hold on to the fight.
And I can fail.
I can cry out to Him. I can ask why? I can tell Him I can't go on. That I don't want to go through the hard again.
And He is there and will answer according to His perfect plan.
And I can trust, good or bad, the outcome.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Second Trimester

It has been a crazy couple of months.
A very vomit filled, can't lift my head off the pillow,
please I don't want to do this anymore,
won't stop spotting,
go to the hospital for fluids because I can't stop puking,
yes you have Hyperemesis gravidarum,
even though you are retaining water and gaining weight at lightning speed,
Zofran here I come pregnancy.

I have never done meds in a pregnancy.
I take Diclegis, Promaza -something or other when vomiting gets really bad, Zofran, Baby Aspirin, Tums, Vitamins and Lovenox Shots.

My home birthing, crunchy Mama, do it naturally way is O.V.E.R.

And it is humbling.

I had gotten prideful. Thinking I had found the perfect way. The righteous way to have a child. And if people chose a different way, inwardly, I turned up my nose at them.

What a joke.

I am learning that I know NOTHING! I cannot plan for anything during this pregnancy. It is unchartered territory.

But, I had an ultrasound at 12 weeks.

And there was that baby.

Tears ran down my face and I watched life beating inside of me.

For the moment, I am grateful.

I'm 14.5 weeks. I feel good today. Well enough to update this blog! Praise God! I hope to be writing more soon. I hope this is the start of a beautiful, joyful, full term pregnancy. I plan to write more about my health, dealing with the fears, the grief, and the joys. Lord willing, I will soon!

Thank you all who have been praying for us. It means more than you know.