To Zofran or Not to Zofran

I have never taken meds before in a pregnancy.  I have had quite a bit of morning sickness with each one, (losing weight with my son James the first trimester,) but I was determined not to take meds.
Sticking my nose up into the air, I would silently "poo-poo" any woman I heard that took Zofran during pregnancy.
I throw up a lot in pregnancy. I figured if I can handle it so can everyone else, right?!
And then I had John . . .
and my whole world changed.
Knocked down to ground zero, what I thought was essential came into question.
Before John, I thought if I thought positively and stayed strong I could do anything.
And then I couldn't will the HELLPs away. I couldn't will my placenta to feed my baby and I couldn't save his twin. I couldn't keep my son from dying and I couldn't jump back in the saddle so to speak after he did.
I was broken. Physically, mentally, spiritually.
I had to go back to the Bible and see what His Word said, not what I thought or what I had read from other people.
I thought we would never have another child and when we found out I was pregnant I was shocked. Blood tests had showed signs of early peri-menopause. I thought the journey of birth was a closed door. I was happy but scared too.
I promised myself that I would do this pregnancy right. No messings around. I would have the perfect diet, excersise, journal my thoughts, not gain to much weight. I was going to be so healthy.
And then around six weeks the intense nausea started. My Trim Healthy Mama eggs wouldn't stay put, I couldn't take a sip of water. After a few weeks I resigned myself to Cheezits and cranberry juice, but only after I went to the hospital with dehydration and I could not stop throwing up.
I went from a non-med-taking pregnant woman to one taking Diclegis, Zofran, ad the occasional Promaza-something or other, (when it got really bad). I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum. Basically that's a fancy way of saying you can't stop throwing up. Oh, and I was gaining weight at what I thought was an alarming speed but the doctor assured me it was swelling and it turned out he was right.
I also take Lovenox injections, a variety of doctor prescribed vitamins, and baby aspirin. This is all to ensure my placenta continues to feed this little one.
Yes people, my home birthing days are over. My stick-up-my-nose stupidity is over. I am hanging on, hoping this baby gets here. And that is doesn't make an early appearance.
I am praying these meds won't do damage to my little one. I am trusting God to take care of the details while I deal with the situation. And I am walking out each day knowing I know nothing. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

Second Trimester

It has been a crazy couple of months.
A very vomit filled, can't lift my head off the pillow,
please I don't want to do this anymore,
won't stop spotting,
go to the hospital for fluids because I can't stop puking,
yes you have Hyperemesis gravidarum,
even though you are retaining water and gaining weight at lightning speed,
Zofran here I come pregnancy.

I have never done meds in a pregnancy.
I take Diclegis, Promaza -something or other when vomiting gets really bad, Zofran, Baby Aspirin, Tums, Vitamins and Lovenox Shots.

My home birthing, crunchy Mama, do it naturally way is O.V.E.R.

And it is humbling.

I had gotten prideful. Thinking I had found the perfect way. The righteous way to have a child. And if people chose a different way, inwardly, I turned up my nose at them.

What a joke.

I am learning that I know NOTHING! I cannot plan for anything during this pregnancy. It is unchartered territory.

But, I had an ultrasound at 12 weeks.

And there was that baby.

Tears ran down my face and I watched life beating inside of me.

For the moment, I am grateful.

I'm 14.5 weeks. I feel good today. Well enough to update this blog! Praise God! I hope to be writing more soon. I hope this is the start of a beautiful, joyful, full term pregnancy. I plan to write more about my health, dealing with the fears, the grief, and the joys. Lord willing, I will soon!

Thank you all who have been praying for us. It means more than you know.

Why I Will Never Be Happy at the Weight I Am At

When will it be enough? The numbers dropping on the scale?
When will the perfect number appear?
When will I feel it is safe for me to be valued?
For me to be worthy of being attractive,
lovely, worthy of my husband.
When will the number on the scale be good enough.
I am 10 pounds lighter than when I was married.
Don't look like it.
but I am.
I should be rejoicing! I have born 5 children, had 3 miscarriages.
I should be thrilled.
But . . .
I still see the number to high, the roll too large, the face two swollen.
I still see junk.
Why do I do this?
Why do WE as women do this?
What heartbreak do we cause ourselves, our family, our God?
To think so lowly of ourselves, to think that if it ain't perfect it ain't worth anything.
And what is perfect anyways!!!!!
Would someone please tell me?
Which number will finally make me happy.
Or you happy?
Or the department store happy?
I should be thankful! Thankful for a body that still actually works!
Thankful for a pantry full of food.
Thankful for a store of conscientiously grown wheat.
Thankful for vitamins in the cupboard.
Thankful for clean water.
But truth be told, I struggle.
I struggle with I shouldn't eat this because the latest fad of eating tells me I shouldn't.
Struggle with the vitamins I have are good but if I just tried this one it might be the perfect fix.
I like water, but coffee, tea, and fresh squeezed juice
is soooo much better.
This is the ugly truth.
I am never satisfied.
My flesh is always striving.
And I do not think it pleases my God one stinking bit.
Am I alone?
I don't think I am.
I read the same blogs as you homeschooling mama's.
I see the same billboards, shop the same stores.
See the trashy magazines at the supermarket.
So how do we fight this?
When will get off the crazy-go-round?

How do we conquer the ungrateful, unsatisfied, unrealized fantasy?
I believe the only way is to live in reality.
To immerse ourselves in TRUTH.
And to really believe it when people compliment us.
Really believe when our husbands look into our eyes and say, "You are wonderful."
Really believe when he says, "I love you just the way you are."
Because it is a picture of His love for us.
Love for the imperfect and the blemished.
And ladies no matter what size we are, or what size that girl is,
we are all imperfect.
So today I pray, I plead, that God would help me take my thoughts captive.
And that I would live in Truth.

Homemade Toothpaste

In an effort to be healthier, (ahem, save money) we tried our hand at making toothpaste today.
This is not the first time we have done this. It is not the second time either. The first two times though the toothpaste was so disgusting we threw it out. BUT . . . I realized that we were constantly comparing it to store bought tubed toothpaste. New philosophy . . .

Make a powdered toothpaste thus no comparison.

So we found a recipe at Bulk Herb Store.
(No I am do not receive a kick back for this. <wink>)

I was excited and so were my children! We each had stations and set up to make our own baggies of toothpaste.

Everyone loved that they got to make their own.

 

 

 

Everyone was feeling pretty excited and hopeful. We mixed baking soda, bentonite clay, peppermint oil and stevia. Then we rushed to our brushes.

(PS You shouldn't use metal with bentonite clay but that was all I had and well there you have it.)

 

They started to brush. The faces were priceless. Can you tell the response?





 

 

 

Their Daddy felt much the same. Okay his was worse. No picture permitted. Lol!

 

However . . .

Norma had a small sore in her mouth when she used it. It was really bothering her. The next morning it was gone. Bentonite clay is a wonder! Isn't God good?!

 

Also, Daddy said we were going to use it! He said we have it. God has provided it and it is good for us.

 

We will see how long it lasts. <smile>

 

I for one love it. My teeth feel cleaner than when I go to the dentist!

I love that my 2 year old isn't swallowing fluoride. I love that I made it. Well worth the time, if only for the memories.

 

What have you made this week?

 

Pain

I played Frisbee today.
I play with my husband and children every sunny chance I get.
For the last year and a half, it has been very painful. My stomach would pull and pierce. I could not run or jump.
Today, I ran a give and go. I caught and threw and threw and caught.
I had no pain.

Praise the Lord, for His mercy endures forever.

The Ugly Discussion of Fat

Sooooo . . .
I know I have two separate voices on this blog. The poetic and spiritual voice that has knitted me together and torn me apart, the one that longs to be in tune with the One and the one that is mindful of the big picture, the beautiful, the eternal.

But there is the other voice, the one that likes good hair days, walks outside with my husband, that laughs a lot, that gets too loud when I run into old friends or old clients, the one that is playful and perky and down right annoying at times.

And I am both of these.

So today, I apologize, but I will be writing in the latter of the two voices.

I would like to discuss fat. The kind that hangs onto my hips, protrudes my belly and makes me ashamed to have sleeveless dresses in the hot 90 degree days.

I would like to lose mine. However, <sigh> it ain't easy sisters.

My mind vacillates on low carb vs. vegan. Always back and forth, see-saw, until I give up and head for DQ to get me some Blizzard. I have restricted calories and I just get cranky. 1200 calories daily is not for me.

Oh, and it isn't just fat I am concerned about. It's the whole health thing too. As you know, you who have been reading, I haven't felt too great this year. I was vegan once. Lost 15 pounds in a month. Felt like a rock star. Had the energy of 10 cups of coffee. Awesome.

Tried it a few months ago. Not as quick of results. Ahem, not many results.

Started doing low carb. Got results, got bored. Also got backed up. (Hey, I warned you what voice I was speaking in.) But the tummy did get flatter, well for me at least. And the sugar lows I had had went away. But then I ate a few <gasp> carbs. Not many, just a titch over 3 days and wouldn't you know it 5 of those goofy pounds I had lost came rushing back to my hips.

So, I am confused, perplexed and perturbed.

Luckily, hubby says he like me just the way I am.

I just need to as well.

Any ideas?

A buggy day.

I have the flu. Not the stomach flu, but the hack, ache, chills, sweat, head pound kind of flu.
It's really not a big deal.
But it is.
I am sick, again.

I have been sick for the better part of a year. And it affects all of us. How do you be a good mother, when you are always getting sick? As soon as a rhythm sets in, BOOM! I am down again. And Mary is almost 2. A monkey. Climbing walls and literally falling every 10 minutes.
What is the Lord teaching me in all this? What is His voice saying? And why can't I hear it clearly?
Could it be the big glob of fog that covers my eyes and my thoughts, due to illness,
due to grief?
Lord, show me how to be a good Mom during this time, and let this time end soon.

I will watch for you Lord. I will turn my face to you. I will wait.


And I will pray.